Feeling Blue – written in 1994

I wrote this in 1994 but honestly this feeling comes up more than I would like to admit.

FEELING BLUE

I’m scared. I’m sad, I’m really shook up inside
I just don’t know where I can go to hide
I am feeling so very lonely and incredibly sad
And I don’t know how or why things ever got this bad

I ache for some good news, for this I need and I hope
But I need it soon for I am at the end of my rope
I am not sure of the way I fell into this rut
But this emotional strain is a door I would just love to shut

I long for the days to come back where I would be happy and I would feel
The world was on my side and everything was a good and big deal
But unfortunately those days are gone and I have almost forgotten
This is why I feel so damn rotten !!!!

September 19, 1994

Sums It Up For Me Today

My poem was published in the United Kingdom Noble House’s edition, Theatre of the Mind – 2003

Sums It Up For Me Today

There was a time
When life did not need justification
Days came to a close
And sleep was with a clear mind
Society’s expectations had no causal effect on my view
Where my choice or decision would only impact me
My life did not feel
As it was manipulated by others
There was no concern
For what or how things are said
Nor could anyone else’s tone
Cause me concern
I am constantly feeling
That the corporate world
Has a very tight grip around my neck
How so I miss to breathe freely again.

My Tribe

My Tribe.
It’s what we all seem to be looking for, right? Somewhere we feel like we belong and can be an integral member of “My Tribe”.
Okay, scratch that, I will not speak for anyone else, but only myself.
Yes I am looking for My Tribe.

To me the perfect My Tribe would be as an actor. Have always had the interest to act, during high school I was an extra on assorted episodics and movies filmed in the Toronto area. Before I had a car I would take public transit to locations to be on set. One early Sunday morning was needed on the other side of the city before public transit was running I was driven there by a girl friend to make the shoot – Thanks Lynn.
To me, My Tribe would be a place I can be me, talk about things I like without concern of being negatively judged.
A place to feel wanted, appreciated and encouraged.

Does such a place exist?

Heck if I know.

What I do know if for all my years I have been searching for somewhere to call My Tribe. Somewhere I feel right, feel comfortable, feel wanted and yes feel appreciated. No this is not going to be a posting about how I feel so unloved etc. Life is okay, not complaining but do I have a key core group of people I can call members of My Tribe? Deep down I do not feel I have that & IMHO I do believe that the whole (or is that hole) Social Media world that now exists has actually dampened the ability to create or join or be a member of A Tribe; to the point where one can feel it is My Tribe. Social Media is riddled with ignorant, racist people that seem to enjoy nothing more than being rude and mean to the next person. Negative posts about anything seem to get the spot light and the positive actions of others do not get the same attention. Why is that?

But again I drifted away from me and My Tribe.
For years I have tried to be part of groups to find My Tribe but one reason or another they fall short.

Back in the 1990’s I tried to be part of The Second City in Toronto (took a weekend class for improv) and that group and me didn’t seem to mesh. I am not good at breaking the feeling of once I don’t feel welcome, to push through that. Typically when in that situation of not feeling welcome, the easy thing for me (go to move) is to shut down and keep to myself.

Over the last 20 years have attempted to join assorted Mustang clubs in hoping to find My Tribe. Thousands of thousands of dollars spent on purchasing, modifying, maintaining etc etc the number of Mustangs I have had over the years. Seems like the ‘honey moon’ ends and I don’t feel welcomed or wanted. Now at the point, perhaps is time to sell my two remaining Mustangs and use those monies elsewhere.

Have researched to join other acting classes and weekend intensives but typically did not make any friends to join My Tribe and feel out of place.
Have happily joined other Improv evening classes in Toronto.
I live out of the city and have a 1.5hr drive (not making an excuse just stating the truth. Not a problem as I enjoy to drive and is worth the drive if a positive result from class) to get to the class, hwy traffic & finding a safe spot to park my car in the evenings of downtown Toronto and ensuring start time for class – yes, I must not be late. My evening is on it’s side if begins with my being late – for whatever reason. Controllable or not, I am annoyed by being late.
To me, ANY class; be it an acting class, technical or just basket weaving – to me a CLASS SHOULD BE A SAFE PLACE.
I was really enjoying the one Improv class I was taking, felt safe, felt I was making friends but (for a reason I am not clear on but it pushed me out) one of the instructors in a class decided that evening that I was to be singled out and made an example of. I am not driving 1.5hrs (1 way), stressing about the time, traffic, finding parking to pay for, & pay for a class where I will be verbally spoken to like that. Needless to say that was the last time I attended that class. Dropped out of the Facebook group and cut ties with that group. Not placing the blame on everyone else and not myself either. I can be opinionated, my wit can be harsh and it appears the natural pose for my face can be called “Resting Angry Face”. I am not angry, just don’t know how to exist with a permanent smile on my face.

Perhaps I need thicker skin but yesterday I was in an acting class (back in Toronto). Part of the warm up is to make yourself vulnerable in front of the class and look at everyone in their eyes – one person at a time – to center, open up, calm down and feel ready to share.
When others are in front of the class and when we make eye contact I look back with a smile (yes eyes smile too) Well yesterday – 1st time ever but something I have no interest to be part of again – there were two faces that decided to look away when I looked at them. That threw me off, and a third person had such a scowl on her face – the impression of – Hey F off, I don’t want to look at you but since I must you are getting this F you face. That hurt too. Actually so impacted by the two people that did not keep eye contact and the one that looked at me like I killed her loved one that I honestly cannot go back to that environment again. That placed me in a bad space and did impact the scene I performed with a member of the class. His first time there, think he did great considering he is not comfortable with improv and his first time in this class but my performance was probably jaded from the earlier event in the class. In my mind (subconscious or consciously) am aware of the 3 people that really did not want anything to do with me. Perhaps some anger in my delivery due to that, dunno…
Yeah yeah perhaps I need thicker skin true, won’t argue but I feel a class should be a safe place.

I do enjoy hearing people laugh and when caused by me, yes I smile down to my core being. I enjoy open minded discussions about mostly any topic – key word is OPEN MINDED. I have noticed we all fall into the category (more times than not) of having an opinion and anything else is incorrect. *sigh* Guilty of that as well.

I am writing what comes to mind, no filter, no effort for continuity or ease of reading for the reader. As I wonder if anyone actually reads any of my posts (if you know me or not). Have not heard from any of the people I think are my friends so makes me believe they don’t. (just get BOT comments – same over and over here)
I like to believe I will make an effort for someone if noticed they need some help but is very rare I feel the same is returned. Could be due to the fact for years I have built up a guard and make it very difficult for anyone to get to know me. WHY? So I won’t be hurt.

Again not complaining about my life, happy, happily married (thanks Suzy), had a great white German Shepherd for 14 years (Alexis) again Thanks Suzy – Suzy found Alexis and pushed to get her. From a rescue (was going to be put down in 4 hrs) and one of the best things I have been part of to date. Alexis saved my life not the other way around.

Where was I, oh ya – Cause like you I don’t enjoy being hurt and perhaps go too far to ensure I am not. My guard / shield I push out (knowingly or not) seems to prevent me from experiencing all the good the world has to offer me (ya ya so cliché but pharking true) and help me build My Tribe.

To My Guitar

When I see you lying on my bed I cannot resist your curves
To have you in my arms and have you come alive with my touch
I have to stick it in and turn you on
The expression ‘we make music’ has never been more true
Your smooth skin and wild curvy body is such an invitation to explore
I love to touch your buttons and turn you up to ten
‘Cause you’re my six string machine
Don’t ya know what I mean
You’re heartless and cold and you feel no pain
You’ve got nothing to loose and I’ve got everything to gain.

August 16, 1990

For My Parents

FOR MY PARENTS

It was a deliberate plan with all the children working together
The only thing we did not have a handle on was of course, the weather
We had gathered family and long time friends with one purpose in mind
Together we celebrated and we cheered and yes we dined

Why do you ponder did we gather all these people
To celebrate the life long commitment of two from under a steeple
On July 18, 1959 Walter and Helena promised each other the solemn oath
To live as one together which was sealed with a kiss by both

So man and wife, they lived as one and now, 40 years have gone by
All their friends said the same thing, “time sure did fly”
Family and friends had spoke of all the times that had past
It all meant the same thing, how these two figured out how to make it last.

Thank you mother and father, I love you both

-Raymond John Ulbikas Copyright ©1999.

July 18, 1999

It was early morning and I had just awoke, enjoying the thoughts of the day gone by. Thank you to all for making this a perfect day.

There is one thing I MUST mention.
The party was held outdoors. The thing I feel compelled to bring out is the fact that for a little while there were threatening clouds with the appearance of rain. There was thunder and yes the air was humid. (usual indications of an on coming storm) but it never did rain. Actually the clouds went away and the sun did reappear and the day was perfect.
I feel it was mother nature’s way of confirming my parent’s knowledge of things. Regardless of how things seem at the current moment, if you hang in there and stick it out things will work out for the best.

Phone

This was written during a dark time. I had just moved to Stratford and the local people were not that warm to me at 1st. It took time to feel ‘part of the community’ and accepted.
This was written from feelings at 1st. (a couple of people kept in touch with since leaving Stratford and do feel they are friends)

PHONE

I woke up like I do everyday
Hopin’ for the best
Doin’ the things I think I should
To fit in with the rest

I’m sitting here getting drunk
lookin’ at the phone
I said I’m sitting here getting drunk
lookin’ at the phone

My days go by so quiet
But what can I do
To live in a world alone
I don’t wish it for you

I’m sitting here getting drunk
lookin’ at the phone
I said I’m sitting here getting drunk
lookin’ at the phone

As my day draws to a close
I sit and I think
Of the other places I could be
And I have another drink

So I’m sitting here getting drunk
Lookin’ at the phone
I said I am sitting here getting drunk
Just lookin’ at the phone.

April 21, 1996

Published in “Theatre Of The Mind” in 2003

Sums It Up for Me Today

There was a time
When life did not need justification
Days came to a close
And sleep was with a clear mind
Society’s expectations had no causal effect on my view
Where my choice or decision would only impact me
My life did not feel
As it was manipulated by others
There was no concern
For what or how things are said
Nor could anyone else’s tone
Cause me concern
I am constantly feeling
That the corporate world
Has a very tight grip around my neck
How so I miss to breathe freely again.

This was published in “Theatre Of The Mind” by Noble House in 2003. The first poem in this book!

LOST

LOST

As it has been said ‘hand in hand we walked the mile’
The strength of love can be compared to the mighty river Nile
The power of love is a scary thing
Happiness for many it does bring
The unfortunate few discover it’s pain
That endures as a most stubborn stain
An experience for my enemies I would never wish
For it is so unpalatable, a most unfavorable dish
To the poor soles that have discovered the dark side of love
Lets band together bring these feelings to the cliff and shove
This can be over come but only in your mind
Get the demon out and leave ’em behind

– written January 25, 1995 by me; Ray Ulbikas

Published in The National Library Of Poetry compilation titled “The Glow Within”

My poem was published in The National Library Of Poetry compilation titled “The Glow Within” in 1997; I wrote this December 6, 1992. Love to know your thoughts on it.

Life

There comes a time in everyone’s life
When all views have been irreversibly redirected
And not a thing is as simple, as simple as it once had been
The world is more complex always interchanging
The views of adolescence have become a simple and happy dream
All actions cannot be premeditated: One should not make a stand
Unless of course your decision is based on logical thought at your command
You experience and continue your life one day at a time
of course making some mistakes though hopefully none are a crime
To err is to be human and that should be known
Even the mighty Romans did, as history has openly shown
Hindsight is always 20/20 but this is an obvious fact
We are creatures of this dimension the past we cannot re-enact
So live your life and live it true
and this is all I have to say to you.

Life

This was published in The National Library Of Poetry compilation titled “The Glow Within” in 1997.

Life

There comes a time in everyone’s life
When all views have been irreversibly redirected
And not a thing is as simple, as simple as it once had been
The world is more complex always interchanging
The views of adolescence have become a simple and happy dream
All actions cannot be premeditated: One should not make a stand
Unless of course your decision is based on logical thought at your command
You experience and continue your life one day at a time
of course making some mistakes though hopefully none are a crime
To err is to be human and that should be known
Even the mighty Romans did, as history has openly shown
Hindsight is always 20/20 but this is an obvious fact
We are creatures of this dimension the past we cannot re-enact
So live your life and live it true
and this is all I have to say to you.